Boogie down Bangkok

After Ko Phi Phi I went and spent a few days on Ko Pha Ngan, home of the notorious full moon party. Unlike many, I didn't plan my trip around this trance inducing drug buffet of a party, but I was fortunate to attend the trance induced drug infused half moon party (any excuse for a party is accepted here). Unlike the full moon, this party was in the jungle instead of on the beach. It was good fun but could have been better had I any interest in that kind of shitty music. I also got a case of the envies over a girl. A case of getting a little and wanting a lot, you know? Overall the south of Thailand was good, even though I saw only a small bit of it. It is pretty much swamped with tourists and entirely too expensive plus the locals secretly hate you there so actually, boo the south of thailand.

I'm back in Bangkok now. Looks different to me after have seen so much in 5 months. Part of me thought I would be haunted by thoughts of all the money I lost here in that miserable card game scam but the truth is that at this point I couldn't give a rats ass (not that anyone would want to receive such an item, and it would probably be easier to just give the whole rat). i'm gonna hang out here for a few days, save money, dodge ladyboys, and contemplate my trip, my life, and my future.

The Japanese hot dog man could do it

So since I got back to Thailand, I've been on some stunningly beautiful islands where the charge you more money than the whole country of Zimbabwe has for everything. For this reason I haven't been on the internet at all. The disadvantage of this is that tons of things have happened that are definitely blog worthy but I've forgotten. Basically its all been a massive party with good people and good times.

On Ko Phi Phi I hired a boat with a group of people and went to some of the outer beaches. It was pretty phenomenal. We went to the beach where they filmed "the beach". It was good and was probably the worst possible time to forget my camera in the room. Regardless the battery was low and would have probably died anyway. Plus, its broken and can only take the shittiest of photos. We stayed on a tiny little desert island for the sunset and then got on the boat and went back. This was a problem because the driver is unable to see without light. The waves got pretty huge and we were all pretty convinced that death was one possibility. Luckily we made it back, even after crashing into several rocks.

My first night on that island there was a massive beach party which was awesome. I managed to lose my flip flops which sucks. i refuse to buy new ones so Ive been rollin blackfoot. Not so bad though, tons of people got there cameras or wallets stolen. They didn't have to steal my wallet because I spent all my money on overpriced booze.

This one restaurant on the island had a burger challenge, where if you finish the whole plate, its free. Now who do you know that would try this? Me of course! But let me tell you. These people are assholes. there is so much food on this plate, I don't know if it can be done. Maybe the japanese guy from the hot dog contests could do it. I ate maybe a quarter of the plate and was so intimidated by the rest that I stopped. A shame really because I think that in my prime I could have done better, and also I had to pay 15 bucks for it.

Home Stretch

Well, I'm back in Thailand. It was an expensive day of transport, I spent nearly 30 dollars. Ok, so I went several hundred kilometers but still, its much more than I usually spend in a day. It's all good though, tomorrow I'm goin to Ko Phi Phi. I've heard many mixed things so I'm just gonna go and make my own judgement. I wish I had more time for southern thailand. I mean I think I allocated my time well overall but it would be good to have some more pure hedonistic party beach time, you know?

I really did have a good time on Langkawi though part of wishes I had done anything there besides hang out with old man Klaus. He was funny though, always walkin around without a shirt but always with a towel around his neck, always weirding new people out with card tricks, always watching tv and always always always smoking ciggarettes and drinking red wine and beer (really, he would have both at the same time, and he would smoke probably 5 packs of ciggarettes a day. but I guess if you're old and cruising the world, why not?)

This is the home stretch which is a little depressing, so many places here left to see. It will be nice to see you all again though. May 7th, count it.

Please don't give the monkey beer

So I meant to leave this island days ago but I'm still here. Lots of beautiful women insist on coming so I can't leave until they do. Also there are tons of people to play cards with and there is also a tv. It rains everyday so I don't feel guilty for spending my time this way. There is an old Swedish guy who has been here for months and he is funny as hell. I never much engaged old people probably because I don't like many of them, but this guy I find really enjoyable. Sometimes he rambles and sometimes I don't understand him but sometimes he says some really funny shit. He told me he saw a postcard that a drunk guy was writing to his wife that said "the weather is here, wish you were beautiful". That was a good belly laugh. Also at my guesthouse is a damn zoo of cats and monkeys.

So I haven't seen shit on this island because I won't drive a motorbike. Car rentals are cheap if you have a few people to split it but nooo, everyone would rather drive a motorbike. This morning one girl got in an accident (as so many people do) and had to pay off somebody 500 ringitt for damage to their car. I secretly was pretty happy about this. Let her think twice next time before dismissing my logical idea.

Make them cry

I played hearts yesterday with a group of Belgians. Get this. I won the game with a score of 4! Really! I mean if hearts was a gladiatorial death sport, I smashed their heads in with my mace hard.

Also, if anyone wants any bootleg dvd's or videogames, let me know since I can buy them for nothing. Are you allowed to bring lots of pirated shit into the country? Even if they are just gifts? I feel like pirated dvds are a true asian souvenir.

Extra worms please

I've been in Penang now for about 5 days. I like it a lot, everything is cheap which is pretty much the most important, except for the beer as usual. My guesthouse actually does have beer for a little over a dollar. This is lowest price Ive seen yet in malaysia but I still refuse, it's outraegouesly high!

There are a lot of characters at this guesthouse of mine. Some of them have been great, many of them weirdos and assholes. This morning I woke up to everyone screaming at eachother. I don't know what was going on but I just pretended to be asleep.

For the past few days there has been a festival at the chinese temple next door to some goddess of the sea. It's pretty cool, they light giant sticks of incense, dance around all crazy-like, set off fireworks in the middle of the damn night and start the drumming and loud noises early in the morning. Fuck I'm glad that's finished.

Let me tell you about this drink they have here called chelup, I mean cheldon, no no, it's chendol, yes that's it. In this "drink" is rice, some beans, some green jelly with worm-looking things, some black syrup or sorts, and coconut milk. You drink it with a thick straw, you know to get all the rice and bits. It took me about five minutes to figure out what it tasted like and if I liked it. Turns out I do but it is no doubt the most bizarre drink currently in drink circulation.

Could you clip the nails first?

So this morning I was served a bowl of chicken feet soup with breakfast. I thought it was just regular soup until my spoon discovered from its dark depths a chicken foot. I promise you that I did not ask for it (although I probably nodded my head yes when she said something incomprehensible). Well I figured this would be a good opportunity to try something different. Two sips later I thought I might vomit so needless to say, I did not finish it.

Try this unlabled monkey juice

Paradise is on Pulau Perhentian, Malaysia. Can you imagine anything more beautiful than standing on a crescent strip of pristine white sand, gazing at the shimmering reflection of the full moon, as the waves gently lap at your toes, and you're high as fuck? Well no, neither can I. That's why I wanted to get some weed in this damn place. I knew it was there. This one bar played only Bob Marley and Manu Chao, the tip jar had a marijuana leaf painted on, and the bartender was wearing sunglasses at night, and was clearly stoned. Yet he refused to sell. Throw expensive beer on top of that and things start to get dissapointing. We did find a bottle of "monkey juice" for relatively cheap. The guy selling it said that it was whiskey, but tasted like rum and vanilla. We bought it. I suspect he probably just sold us vanilla rum.

I went snorkelling one day which was a blast because I saw sharks and turtles. If you don't know how awesome sea turtles are, then you must be living in a turtle-less cave. They are just so majestic, swimming around, eating sand, breathing every once in a while. Yes!

Hot in the city

Let me tell you a little about Malaysia. As far as I can tell there are two types of weather here. There is rain, and there is too fuckin hot. It boggles me really. I walk outside with a t-shirt and shorts and within 20 minutes have completely sweat through my shirt and underwear. Yet, the locals walk around completely covered from head to toe, dry as a nuns vagina. How do they do that? Am I gonna be one of those guys who is always sweating through his shirt? Man, that would be embarrassing.

I'm goin to the beach tomorrow and I'm pretty damn happy about it. Although I will have to swim in my shorts because I lost my bathing suit ages ago and refuse to buy a new one.

Where's the proof, pfft

From KL I went to Melaka. it was pretty sweet there. Beautiful town with lots of boring museums and one interesting one. That's right, kite museum! It had all the history of kites and lots of kites on display. It bolstered me even more to open up my smokehouse and kite shop, cause kites are sweet.

I met these two canadian sisters there. We had good fun, drank some coconut wine, played some jacks. Then I found out that the one of them had this Aussie boyfriend who was coming to join them. Fair enough. Then I hear he doesn't believe in evolution cause "Where's the proof?" Honestly? I mean maybe you should take a high school biology class buddy, you fuckin twat. I met the guy and instantly knew that I didn't like him, especially his socks pulled up way too high.

I was then in Kuantan for a period of not long. Mainly because there is nothing to do there, no other westerners to be found, and there was no cheap accomodation. Whatever, you would think, maybe I'll pamper myself for a night. No. Instead I paid more than usual to stay in a place that was the dirtiest place I'd ever stayed, smelled like shit, and had rats. I didn't even brush my teeth that night because I was worried I might get bit by one of the buggers. So I left this morning.

Now I'm in Cherating. I rode the bus all over, back and forth to find this damn place. It's pretty deserted but at least there is a nice beach and I got some new books.

I choose you! lazy fucker!

So let me tell you about this place called Kuala Lumpur (the cool kids are callin it KL). It's by far the most western city I've seen so far. Let me explain:

-clean
-cars outnumber motos
-the sidewalk is for walking
-you aren't solicited weed (or fake weed) constantly
-you cross the street at crosswalks, when the light tells you to
-reliable, fast public transportation

The list goes on but I'll stop. All of that said, it's not the most interesting city. There isn't really much to do here. Beer is as expensive as home (which in my mind is entirely too much, I can never pay full price for a beer again). If you are caught with drugs you get mandatory jail time or caning. Like with a bamboo cane! Wowzers!

Today I stumbled upon the largest shopping mall I have ever experienced. I went inside because it started raining and as I looked up I got dizzy. I really almost fell backwards just trying to count how many floors there were. Escalators seem ineffective for that number of floors and I wouldn't be surprised to see teleporters implemented in the near future. Each one of these floors was at least twice the size of the modest national museum that I had explored earlier in the day. You could set up a bungy jump inside that thing. I bet it would go over well because you could order cinnabuns or fruit shakes on the way down, perhaps buy some sneakers or a dvd player. I left pretty quickly because I didn't want to get too far from the entrance, for fear that I would be forever trapped in the labryinthian halls.

There is a dude in my dorm room who is always playing game boy. Everytime I pass there he is playin away. Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, those of you who know me well know that I like a good videogame and can spend lots of time with the shit. But come on, you're in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and you can't get outta bed because you're playin pokemon! That shit hasn't been cool since 6th grade my friend (at which time is was very cool). My only suggestion is maybe talk to another human. there are tons around, some of them are even pretty interesting. anyway, i'm done.

Wiggle wiggle flap flap

So I just took a 3 day tour of Halong bay. It was very pleasant. The first night we slept on the boat which I also took a shower on. I've now showered on a boat and a train. I still look forward to a shower in a car, submarine, and plane. So everybody is hanging out on the boat, I've got my circle of people, probably about 6 or 7 strong. They love me as people do and we start playing some games. I introduce the animal game (thank you mr. Itzkowitz for that one) with the usual disclaimer that everybody is skeptical at first but eventually loves the game. Well what would you know they loved it. It drew the usual crowd of gawkers and late game joiners. Then these 4 kiwi's rocked up and asked to join. Now I like kiwi people and all but for 4 people to jump in the game all at once makes things a little difficult. Not only did it take forever to explain to them the very simple concept of the game, but once we started there was no order and they pretty much continued talking amongst themselves, ending the game. What the fuck. Then they suggested their own game which was complete rubbish! Needless to say, I was a little pissed off.

The next night I got rip roaring drunk, like serious cosmic bandito drunk, which is like a whole other thing. I had an awesome time but paid the price with my wallet that night and then paid with my head the next day.

I'm back in Hanoi but tomorrow I blow this popsicle stand for Kuala Lumpur.

Like a deflated balloon

So Hanoi has tons of bia hoi shops. This translates directly to fresh beer, aka from the tap. Basically these places are just little corner shops with kegs and plastic chairs. There is one intersection where every corner has a least one bia hoi shop. Tons of people are just sitting around, mostly in the street because there is not enough room on the sidewalk. Every once in a while there is a police drill and everyone must squeeze up onto the sidewalk. There is of course not enough room for that so most end up just standing there in the street. The police seem contented to believe that we won't sit back down as soon as they leave. We do. Beer's there taste like shit but they cost almost nothing. I love these places. Last night whileI was sitting down there with a big group we witnessed a moto accident. Some western guy took a mean spill. He was clearly embarrased because probably at least 100 people were looking at him. He quickly got up and drove off, even though his moto was fucked.

Before last night I was under the impression that the nightlife in Hanoi was shit but now I've upgraded my opinion to "not great". Last night we found some underground reggae bar that was quite a good time. I suspect there is quite a lot of this underground nightlife, it's just a matter of finding it without being abducted by cyclo drivers who inevitably swarm you if you stand in one place for too long.

This morning I wake up to the cleaning ladies rummaging around (maybe looting what they can). I look around the dorm and mostly everyone else has already left. Except for this one weird Russian dude. He is still in bed sleeping except that he is on top of the sheets and he is naked to the bone. He is really sleeping there with his ugly dick hanging on his stomach like a dead slug. Man I felt bad for this guy cause he really had one ugly dick. It kinda made me feel bad for all uncircumcised men. I'm sorry, because maybe this is you, but that shit just doesn't look cool. I mostly felt bad for the cleaning ladies. I wonder what they were thinking?

Hanoi'in

Hanoi. I almost died twice today from moto's. Well I really only almost died once, but I was lightly struck by a bicycle that would have killed me if it were a fast moving bus or asteroid.

I went to the Hoa Lo prison today, aka the Hanoi Hilton. This was where they kept American POW's during the war. They had John McCain's flight suit and cough drops. They claimed that the prisoners were treated very well. They have pictures on display of them playing basketball and chess, and painting christmas pictures. They had their christmas picture on display and I find it hard to believe that it was not fingerpainted by an infant or small toddler.

I'm gonna go eat some cheap noodle soup.

Vietnamese tears

Vietnamese tears
American fears
realized
don't cry baby
you weren't
though I wish you were
so I could tell you not to
It was fun at first
our lack of communique
I had wild visions of the future
would I have to learn your language?
it makes no sense to me
maybe it wouldn't be so hard
none of it matters though
it dried up quick
as most prospects do
an emotionless goodbye
not ideal
not a future
not a tear

King Kong finger

I remember a time when the prospect of riding on a sleeper bus was exciting. After finally testing the water, I can say that it is a miserable experience. I don't care to talk much about it, besides that it feels like sleeping in a sarcophagus. For the brief period when I did sleep, I had a wildly inappropriate and highly lucid dream.

Hoi An is a cool town. It's pretty but I feel there are equivelant cities in all other countries I've been so far. The nightlife is not huge but there are some decent spots. We went to a bar the other night called King Kong bar. It most reminded me of the Rat from Binghamton. Except this place didn't have nearly as much urine on the floor, and there weren't nearly as many assholes, and it wasn't packed with 17 year olds. Ok, it was nothing like the Rat but that's the vibe I got. We were walking home at about 4 in the morning and the town was dead as an old corpse. Thats until we got to the market. It was absolutely bustling. I assume everyone was getting ready to fish or sell fish. I suppose that would be the best time.

I was considering getting a suit here because you can get a tailored suit for 40 bucks. I decided against it because I already have an all purpose suit, even though it fits like a garbage bag. Instead I bought a souvenir pipe that is the baddest ass pipe I've seen.

No money no honey no honey no baby

Nha Trang, it's aight. Not quite as enjoyable as Sihanoukville and the beach is not so clean (I nearly stepped on a syringe the other day, luckily there was a cap on the needle. Courtesy). the night life is fair though. Last night Pete, Pascal, and myself went drinkin at this little place where you can get a huge pitcher of SanMiguel beer for about 75 cents. Needless to say, we drank entirely too much of it. This morning I went on a boat trip and was hating myself for being hungover. I signed up for this boat trip because I wanted to snorkel and see some islands around here. Turns out it's just a booze cruise. There was a few minutes of snorkelling in which I was able to view sand in its natural habitat. There was some free home made rice wine but I wasn't really in the mood. The best part of the whole thing was an impromptu rock concert. This dude was drummin on some home made drums and he was my idol.

I did have an interesting encounter on the boat. There was this Thai girl who I had met months ago in Pai. She had helped me when I was trying, unsuccessfully, to eat in a restaurant and everyone was ignoring me. I felt kinda like a child having her order for me but without her I may have had to just leave and go somewhere else. She's a cool girl and we exchanged contacts, perhaps she'll be able to put me up when I go back to Bangkok.

Tonight I'm taking a sleeper bus to Hoi An. I've never been so excited to sleep on a bus before. It's actually quite comfortable. On the bus ride to Nha Trang, the three of us stole some sleeper seats and had a blasty blast. Wish me luck that nobody will steal my money as I sleep.

You want motobike?

So I left the madness of Saigon and entered the boredom of Mui Ne. There is nothing to do here, and there are no people staying in our hotel (I've been traveling with two dudes). Today we rented motorbikes which was quite the hassle, as many things have been here, although in the end the guy gave them to us without asking for any collateral, and even acknowledging that we didn't have liscences to drive them. We drove out to some sweet sand dunes and overall had a wicked time.

I later saw a guy that we didn't rent bikes from and he got all angry and started giving me shit. He was rambling on, I don't know what he was saying and I wasn't listening. I caught pieces. Something about police, automatic, 50 dollars. Meh.

I should also mention that you all need to somehow find on the internet this alternative soundtrack to the first harry potter movie. Its by some comedian named derrick may, I think. You listen to this whilst watching the movie and then laugh until you can't anymore.

Booby trap-making for idiots

Today I went to the Cu Chi tunnels. This is a vast tunnel network that the Viet Cong lived in during part of the war. The tunnels themselves are tiny and it was pretty sweet to crawl through some of it (widened for our convenience). We even watched a real propaganda video from the 60's that decorated the "American-killing heroes" for their bravery against all odds. On guy was giving a little presentation. He explained that the reason the Americans couldn't get into the tunnels was because they were smoking too much weed (wouldn't you?). This in turn made them very hungry and they ate too many hamburgers and hot dogs. If they tried to get into the tunnels, all entrances were of course well hidden, they would get stuck or fall into one of many booby traps. These traps sucked. If you fell in and didn't die right away, you might later die of blood loss or cobras. There was also a shooting range that was loud as fuck BLAM BLAM BLAM. It cost over a dollar per bullet and nobody could hit a thing. It seems like lots of people enjoy paying 40 dollars to shoot dirt, idiots.

I must leave Saigon soon because I might go crazy here and also I have bed bugs.

Smile in Saigon

I'm in Vietnam now. Saigon is one crazy place. Mostly because of the traffic which is complete madness. There are so many motorbikes everywhere. They drive everywhere, in all directions, even the sidewalk is not straight. There are some intersections where there are no lights, no signs, nothing. Everyone just drives through, beeping their horn to avoid colliding. Crossing the street here is very different than at home. At home you wait for the cars to pass and then you cross. Here, you slowly walk out into traffic and the moto's flow around you like a river flows around a rock. Don't walk in front of buses. That said, I'm enjoying it here, although this city is not particularly special.

Also, I forgot to share this earlier. I recently decided that one day in the future I will move to Cambodia and open "Maxwell's no problem smokehouse, fuck palace, and kite shop". I'm pretty convinced that it will be very successful and that I will be impossibly happy.

It smells like bigfoot's dick

I reluctantly left Sihanoukville yesterday. It was a good time. I remember playing lots of chess, swimming, and watching movies. The rest is a marijuana induced dream with hazy details. So I took a minibus to Kampot where I am now. I felt pretty bad for the other people on the bus cause I smelled like shit. Well, not like shit, but like very bad body odor. It's not my fault really. The room I was sleeping in was hot as the sun's asshole and there were no fans or ventilation or nothin. So I woke up wet with sweat and stinkiness and got on the bus. Somebody even said "someone on here has BO" I didn't tell him it was me (he probably knew).

I'm gonna leave Kampot tomorrow because there isnt anything to do here. I'm gonna go back to Phnom Penh just for a couple days and hang with chilli. Did I tell you about him? If I didn't then let me explain that he is a little Cambodian weed monster. If he's not smoking a joint, he's rolling one. That said, he 's a charming and fun guy to hang out with. 2 days later I go to Vietnam, yes!

Can I smoke weed in your picturehouse?

Well, just so you know, I've been living the dream. Spending all day on the beach doin fuck all except sweating, which happens frequently. Yesterday some buddies and I went to to the road to watch a movie because it was raining (only the second day I've seen rain on this trip). We found a bar that had a tv room with movies. After reviewing all options we chose "I'm gonna git you, suckah". If you have not seen this movie than drop what you're doing and go buy it. I laughed my ass off. It is also reccomended to sufficient amounts of beer and marijuana (legality questionable...hah! theres no law in cambodia).

A few nights ago my english friend Peter and I walked along the beach to the various bars. We stumbled along this english girl, who was maybe the most beautiful girl I've seen (in a long time at least), and her fat friend. Well Peter and I were both competing for same girl. I knew this but I don't know if he did. Anyway, this probably reduced our chances (I didn't plan on takin a bullet for him) but it didn't matter because we went to the bar and when we got back she was makin out with somebody. Well this didn't bother me none cause it's the story of my life, but Pete seemed really upset. Anyway, I just saw her walk by the window, still sexy.

On the topic of looking out the window, I just now also saw my friend pete. I wonder if he's chasing the girl. Before him I saw an old man wearing an umbrella hat.

Beggar beach

I'm in Sihanoukville right now and enjoying its pleasant beach. I took a bus here and it was the most comfortable one I've had. Too bad I had to be punished with a terrible hangover. In addition, I didn't knock boots with the pretty Swedish girl who everyone seems to think I could have the night before in phnom penh.

Anyway, right now I'm staying in the attic of a bar that's right on the beach. The best part is that its free. The worst part is that I have to descend thin, rickety stairs to get down and that the shower is a bucket (the help-yourself-to-a-scoop-of-water shower) and that mosquitoes are eating me alive, lets hope none of them are malarial. It's a beautiful beach but its not very clean, I already cut my foot today. there are also beggars everywhere. I was an under an umbrella almost all day and got burnt to a damn crisp. Fuck, that sun is very close to Cambodia.

Last night I was partying with some Swedes. They wanted ecstasy and lucky for them every tuk-tuk driver in the country sells drugs. Well I abstained because I was skeptical of this questionable gentleman. Well it turns out he gave them meth instead. oh, silly drug dealers.

Tom Sellick's moustache

Phnom Penh. What a place. Perhaps my favorite in all the land. No need to go into boring details about traffic, or amputees, or the begging children (I just play dice games with them, they love it).

A few nights ago I went to this bar that had advertised a poker tournament. It was fun until it started and I noticed that there were several assholes playing. I didn't play well. I attribute this to asshole shenanigans.

I had to leave and go to a different internet cafe just now because the manager of the other place was leaning over, completely non-chalantly, and was reading everything I typed. Needless to say it was pretty uncomfortable. Also, as I walked in she offered me sex. After some serious thought, I realized she was offering me a fruit shake. All good, no thanks on both.

I went to a team trivia last night which I was very excited for. However, they were doing it all wrong. Only 4 rounds with no bonus, or waging round? Oh my buddha, no no. I dared not use the name taco neck in a faraway land so I stole Tom Sellick's moustache. I think our poor performace was do to wrong name choice.

Hulk Hogan aint got shit on...

I spent a few days in Battambang not doing anything. I justified this by telling myself that I have so much time, not all which can be spent doing things. On my last day I broke down and took and overpriced moto-tour to some sights around the city. They were mildly interesting and of course I had to give money away left and right. The best part of it was the bamboo train. Now first, I want you to imagine what you think a bamboo train is like. go...

Ok Now I will tell you what it is. Basically, you rock up to the train tracks and tell the guy you wanna ride the bamboo train. Then he builds it. It is comprised of 4 main parts. There are the two sets of wheels, the bamboo platform (placed on top of the wheels) and a motor, which is controlled by the conductor at the back. Then this shit flies down the track. The dude was pulling my arm to stand up so I did. This was fun for a few moments until the train hit one of many bad sections of track and I nearly fell off and died. After this I sat down, the thing was so shaky I almost lost my flip flops several times (as in like lost them off of my feet, yea, that shaky). Also, you don't want to encounter another train coming from the other direction. In this event, the train with less weight must disassemble so the other train may pass. Luckily we had a motorbike on ours and did not have to do this.

I was by myself in Battambang and was fairly bored, especially at night. I would have liked to go to a bar or something but the one supposedly good one was way across town and there were no street lights. So instead I stayed in my room, smoked weed from a bone pipe, and watched black and white Japanese pro wrestling. If you've never seen this then, wow, lemme tell you, its amazing. Maybe it's just because I haven't watched wrestling since I was a little kid, maybe it's cause I was stoned off some fine Cambodian marijuana, but this cracked me up. It's all the crazy staged antics you would expect from normal pro wrestling multiplied ten fold. They mostly just slap each other in the chest.

Pretzels, get ya hot fuckin pretzels

I just had a memory I wanted to share. On my way to the 4000 islands in Laos, I had gotten a ride on the back of a guys truck. As is usual in Laos, it stopped many times so that people could sell their foods to you. A local woman who was riding with me expressed interest in a grilled corn cob. She took it but before she gave the vendor money, the truck drove away. We had a great laugh. Perhaps she felt guilty for stealing it because she didn't eat but offered to me instead. I saw no reason for it going to waste.

Anyway, I've just explored the temples of Angkor for 2 days and they are damn cool. The only uncool thing about it all are the hordes of people and children trying to sell you things. Imagine you are at a baseball game. You know the vendors selling peanuts and such? Well imagine there's ten of them for every one of you. Next imagine they are all screaming at you "sir, you buy cold drink!" or "you buy book!" Well, I already have one. "But you buy from me!" Now imagine that they don't leave you alone until they lower the price to next to nothing or you buy it.

One clever little girl went to give me a bracelet and said it was free. Well dammit, I still don't want it. Then she said that if I dont take it, I don't like Cambodians. I'll tell you that little girl worked me. I took the damn bracelet and then I bought a cold soda. On the whole day, I probably spent about 40 dollars, spending 1 or 2 dollars at a time. Now I have tons of useless crap that I will probably just leave in my hotel room.

Speaking of which, the hotel room I have now is the nicest I've had yet. Sweet queen size bed with a good mattress, cable tv, and all the cold showers I can take. At $3.50 a night, shit damn, that's what I'm talkin about.

Peace costs 20 dollars

I am pissed off and I'll tell you why. I'm sitting here in an internet shop in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I like this town a lot. Anyway, so I'm checking email and whatnot when this monk comes up behind me and taps me on the shoulder. As soon as I turn he thrusts this shiny cardboard amulet in my face and says "peace". So I take it and he starts rambling on, don't know what he's saying. Then he takes out a little pad for me to write my name, nationality, etc. Then I see a column that says donation, and everybody above me has given 20 dollars. Well fuck, I could live on that for a few days if I had to. I had to give something because he also gave me a bracelet. All I had was a 10 and 20 dollar bill so he got the 10.

I'm not happy about it. It's not that I don't like being charitible. Quite the contrary. It's just that while I'm in Cambodia I would like to help Cambodians. Well I look at my amulet and its got chinese script all over it. Theres a buddha on one side and on the other side...

There's a fuckin ferrari! What in the hell does that have to do with buddhist peace. I gave 10 dollars to this tosser. What a day.

Do you know where your lotus are?

Today, I paid for my room, had breakfast at the market, took a tour of a lotus farm (where my guide picked many for us to eat. I suspected this might have been stealing. It was good though, looked like a grape, tasted like sweet corn) and some temples, bought a traditional Cambodian checkered scarf, had lunch and bought lunch for my guide, spent an hour on the internet, had an ice cream, dinner at a restaurant (and a few beers are projected on the agenda). All of this cost me less than 20 dollars. I love this place.

I sat down by the river to play chess with my Dutch friend. Everybody was fascinated. I felt like a celebrity, at least as much a celebrity as a chess player can be. This one guy came over and asked me how much the little set cost (which I bought in Chiang Mai, Thailand). I said a price that was less than what I paid but even still I felt terrible because it was clearly very much money to him. I felt compelled to give it to him, but then I wouldn't be able to play anymore.

Hot cola burn baby

So I was in Si Phan Don for a few days which was sweet. A little Mekong paradise. I would have stayed longer but I ran low on money. Actually, I got over into Cambodia but had to skip out on a whole part of the country because there were no atm's. I had only 6 dollars left so I unfortunately had to high tail it to Kampang Chom where I am now. On the bus there was a woman with baby sitting across the aisle. First she breast-fed baby, ok, makes sense. But then the baby drank a can and a half of coke. hm, that can't be good for baby. Needless to say, I think that much caffeine and sugar for baby is like banging 4 or 5 lines up the nose for us grown-ups. Baby was definitely blissed out for about 30 minutes until he crashed hard and took a shit, making the whole rest of the bus journey not so pleasant. It's pretty dirty here but I like it and luckily there are atm's.

All aboard

So I took a bus ride to Pakse today. This wasn't the first local bus ride I have taken here, but this one was particularly interesting. I didn't find it altogether unpleasant, but it probably wouldn't have been for the more claustrophobic traveler. When I got on the bus there were a few empty seats but I decided to sit on a little raised platform at the back for the extra legroom. There may or may not be any lao expression for "this bus is full". I assume this because anyone who flags down the bus may get on, regardless of the quantity and nature of their cargo. It wasn't the most uncomfortable. Sure, I would have liked to rest my bum on a sack of rice, or on the steps by the door, or maybe sit on the roof with the motorcycle, but I didn't have the worst seat. I was fortunate enough the be sitting next to a duck. Seeing as the duck spoke as much english as anyone else on the bus, he wasn't a bad travel mate. I was also sitting at the perfect position for all the chickens and eggs-on-sticks to be shoved in my face when the children boarded to sell food (this happens every 20-30 minutes). All in all, I feel a little closer to the Lao people for having endeavored what is total commonplace for them.

Montauk monster, not anymore

So here in Savannahket, there isn't a ton to do. However, there is a sweet dinosaur museum. Well, it's more of a dinosaur room, but it's still really cool. I went checked out some fossils and bones. I couldn't read anything though because it was all in lao and french. However, one picture immediately caught my attention. Some of you may remember the story of the Montauk monster which washed ashore this past summer. This thing was clearly a monster.



Now, check this dinosaur.


That's another case closed.

Other cases remain open. I went for breakfast at this restaurant the other day. The woman runnin the show seemed quite attractive, an exciting prospect. However, then she spoke and her voice was deeper than the average man which made things a little confusing. Oh ladyboys, why do you torture me so?

Unsolved mysteries

So I took a bus today from Vientiene to Savannakhet. The bus took about 8 hours and was everything that I have come to expect from bus rides. I've developed quite a patience for it. When I got to the bus station, a tuktuk driver told me that the bus didn't leave from here anymore. I had the feeling he was just trying to get a fare and so I went in search of info. I found a timetable on the wall that said the bus was leavign from there. He said "that sign is from 2002, now it is 2009" Well thanks for the update. Turns out he was right though and the bus did leave from the other station.

I get in this evening and get into a guesthouse. I open my bag and the shirt that is on top is both soaked and dirty. I don't understand this. When I put the shirt in my bag it was both clean and dry. Also, nothing else in the bag was wet at all, none of it. Cue music from unsolved mysteries.

Tiger five star

I'm in Vientiane. Capital city of Laos. It's small and quiet, like most of Laos I suppose. The place I'm staying at is one of the shittiest places I've seen but it's cheap so I deal with chipping paint and dangerously thin, broken stairs.

Last night I met up with my Aussie friends and we went out for a few beers. We passed a minimart and found what I call tiger five star. It's a little bottle with a picture of a tiger with five stars beneath. The only words in english are "Leopard medical brand brown mixture" and the active ingredients, one of which is opium tincture. So we all downed a bottle of that and had a splendid time. We ended up hanging out on the roof of their guesthouse, listening to some tunes and laughin it up. At some point, we discovered the word "clunge" which I quite enjoy.

One happy pizza, please

I'm in Vang Vieng which is fun, but as far as I'm concerned is a ruined place. I"m sure it was once a beautiful town by the mountains but has been turned into a party spot for drunk westerners. There are nothing but guesthouses, restaurants, and vendors selling sandwiches and pancakes (actually rotti, more like a crepe than a pancake).

One of the biggest attractions in this town is tubing. What I imagined this was to be floating down the river in an innertube. The reality is renting an overpriced innertube, floating down the river for 20 meters and being pulled into a bar on the river. Here there are lots of booze and drugs. They also have massive swings that are fun and terribly unsafe. I jumped into the river from the swing and landed directly flat on my back which was terribly painful. One friend came out of the water coughing blood. Another guy had to go home. There are free shots of lao lao (rice whiskey) to be had at your convenience. Then you get back in the tube and float another 20 meters and do it again.

The whole thing is really such a scam. You have to put a deposit on the innertube that you get back upon return. At the last bar along the river a guy from the rental place comes and steals tons of tubes so that many people won't have one and will have to forfeit their deposit. At this point they are all too drunk to care. They also ask that you return the tubes by a certain time but everybody has been so busy partying that they dont go down the river and end up having to take and overpriced tuktuk back from the river. The whole thing is complete madness but I think it was a pretty good time.

For some reason, in Vang Vieng, and only in Vang Vieng, there are tons of restaurants with seats in one direction, all facing two televisions playing Friends. I don't know why they play friends but they do. Walking down the street you see hoardes of falang (westerners) hypnotized by the sweet glow of friends. It also probably helps than many of these places serve "space pizza" which can be pretty conducive to watching tv.

There is no doubt that this is one of the most bizzare places in the world.

Everybody psycho dance

Laos kicks ass. They don't use coins, fuck yea, dream come true (although pretty much all the notes look the same). I took a boat down the mekong river to luang probang where I am now. the ride was sweet, although overcrowded. The boat stops periodically to be boarded by children who sell you beer and chips. the ride is beautiful. Before getting on the boat, the guy who was in charge of operations sat everybody down and gave a talk about how shitty the boat is, and how shitty pakbeng is (where you have to stay for one night), and how much better and faster the bus is. Lots of people then paid him extra to take the bus instead. Unfortunate for them really cause everything that dude said was total bullshit. At least I didn't pay more money to miss out on a sweet boat ride.

A more interesting story happened the night before I got on the boat. i was in a restaurant in huay xia eating dinner when the waiter invited me to come with him to his friends wedding. I was a little skeptical at first as I've found that most people who are overly nice are either trying to scam you or sell something to you (an unfortunate consequence of booming tourism in poor countries). But this guy was totally cool and I went with him to this wedding. Upon entrance the bride and groom pour you a shot of johnny walker red label, not too shabby. you sit and have to eat tons of food, which is great except that I had just eaten dinner. The beer and whiskey is endless.

The most interesting part of the whole thing was the traditional lao dance. I couldn't really understand what the guy was saying to me about it. As far as I can tell, its called the lao psycho dance. I assure you though, its very tame. Everyone stands in a circle and gently waves there arms and hands up and down, with forearm staying perpendicular to upper arm. eye contact is minimal. all in all, it was an awesome time and everyone was so happy that I was there. There was actually another wedding the next night that I was invited to but I had already purchased my boat ticket, drats.

That'll be one miiiilion dollars! I mean kip

So I left chiang rai cause it wasn't that cool and went to Chiang khong. I stayed there for one night. There was a bar which had a bunch of dvd's that you could watch for free so I took advantage of that. Watched "Before the devil knows you're dead" It was cool, I reccomend it (If nothing else but to see Marisa Tomei topless, meow). There happened to be this concert going on in town so I walked over to that. I was the only white person there which I thought was cool at first. Some people approached me and were happy I was there. I stood in a field to watch the concert. A group of guys sitting in front of me kept pointing and looking at me so I left, fearing an oncoming stabbing.

I crossed the river to Laos today. Laos seems sweet so far. I exchanged by thai bat for lao kip, thoroughly ripped off in the process. I really didn't need to exchange because you can use kip or baht pretty much everywhere (or US dollars as well, and you sometimes recieve change in combinations of any of the above). However, I'm now rolling in dough with a wallet full of 50,000 kip notes (writing this blog entry and checking my email will have cost 10,000 kip). Tomorrow I'm gonna get on a boat and go down the river.

Sleeping outside

Today I reluctantly left Pai. Such a good time there. I'll miss hanging out at the tatoo shop. I'm not sure how this came to be the place to hang out but it did, and I couldn't imagine a better place.

I took a local bus from pai back to chiang mai. there was approximately 3 inches between the end of the seat, and the back of the one in front of it. No exaggeration. perhaps I got on the bus for locals without legs because I don't understand how anybody could fit in those seats. It was a 4 hours bus ride but was fully packed with almost as many standing as sitting. The next bus was a bit more comfortable and took me to chiang rai where I am now.

It was dark when I got in and couldn't be fucked walking and finding my way so I hired a tuktuk. He took me to this guesthouse but they told me they were full. Dissapointed, I asked if they had anything at all. She told me they had a bed but it's outside. Well, I've taken it. It's just a bed in the hallway but at least it has a mosquito net, and the bathroom is not far. lucky for me, I get to see everyone who goes to the bathroom and will know how long they are there for.