The Japanese hot dog man could do it

So since I got back to Thailand, I've been on some stunningly beautiful islands where the charge you more money than the whole country of Zimbabwe has for everything. For this reason I haven't been on the internet at all. The disadvantage of this is that tons of things have happened that are definitely blog worthy but I've forgotten. Basically its all been a massive party with good people and good times.

On Ko Phi Phi I hired a boat with a group of people and went to some of the outer beaches. It was pretty phenomenal. We went to the beach where they filmed "the beach". It was good and was probably the worst possible time to forget my camera in the room. Regardless the battery was low and would have probably died anyway. Plus, its broken and can only take the shittiest of photos. We stayed on a tiny little desert island for the sunset and then got on the boat and went back. This was a problem because the driver is unable to see without light. The waves got pretty huge and we were all pretty convinced that death was one possibility. Luckily we made it back, even after crashing into several rocks.

My first night on that island there was a massive beach party which was awesome. I managed to lose my flip flops which sucks. i refuse to buy new ones so Ive been rollin blackfoot. Not so bad though, tons of people got there cameras or wallets stolen. They didn't have to steal my wallet because I spent all my money on overpriced booze.

This one restaurant on the island had a burger challenge, where if you finish the whole plate, its free. Now who do you know that would try this? Me of course! But let me tell you. These people are assholes. there is so much food on this plate, I don't know if it can be done. Maybe the japanese guy from the hot dog contests could do it. I ate maybe a quarter of the plate and was so intimidated by the rest that I stopped. A shame really because I think that in my prime I could have done better, and also I had to pay 15 bucks for it.

Home Stretch

Well, I'm back in Thailand. It was an expensive day of transport, I spent nearly 30 dollars. Ok, so I went several hundred kilometers but still, its much more than I usually spend in a day. It's all good though, tomorrow I'm goin to Ko Phi Phi. I've heard many mixed things so I'm just gonna go and make my own judgement. I wish I had more time for southern thailand. I mean I think I allocated my time well overall but it would be good to have some more pure hedonistic party beach time, you know?

I really did have a good time on Langkawi though part of wishes I had done anything there besides hang out with old man Klaus. He was funny though, always walkin around without a shirt but always with a towel around his neck, always weirding new people out with card tricks, always watching tv and always always always smoking ciggarettes and drinking red wine and beer (really, he would have both at the same time, and he would smoke probably 5 packs of ciggarettes a day. but I guess if you're old and cruising the world, why not?)

This is the home stretch which is a little depressing, so many places here left to see. It will be nice to see you all again though. May 7th, count it.

Please don't give the monkey beer

So I meant to leave this island days ago but I'm still here. Lots of beautiful women insist on coming so I can't leave until they do. Also there are tons of people to play cards with and there is also a tv. It rains everyday so I don't feel guilty for spending my time this way. There is an old Swedish guy who has been here for months and he is funny as hell. I never much engaged old people probably because I don't like many of them, but this guy I find really enjoyable. Sometimes he rambles and sometimes I don't understand him but sometimes he says some really funny shit. He told me he saw a postcard that a drunk guy was writing to his wife that said "the weather is here, wish you were beautiful". That was a good belly laugh. Also at my guesthouse is a damn zoo of cats and monkeys.

So I haven't seen shit on this island because I won't drive a motorbike. Car rentals are cheap if you have a few people to split it but nooo, everyone would rather drive a motorbike. This morning one girl got in an accident (as so many people do) and had to pay off somebody 500 ringitt for damage to their car. I secretly was pretty happy about this. Let her think twice next time before dismissing my logical idea.

Make them cry

I played hearts yesterday with a group of Belgians. Get this. I won the game with a score of 4! Really! I mean if hearts was a gladiatorial death sport, I smashed their heads in with my mace hard.

Also, if anyone wants any bootleg dvd's or videogames, let me know since I can buy them for nothing. Are you allowed to bring lots of pirated shit into the country? Even if they are just gifts? I feel like pirated dvds are a true asian souvenir.

Extra worms please

I've been in Penang now for about 5 days. I like it a lot, everything is cheap which is pretty much the most important, except for the beer as usual. My guesthouse actually does have beer for a little over a dollar. This is lowest price Ive seen yet in malaysia but I still refuse, it's outraegouesly high!

There are a lot of characters at this guesthouse of mine. Some of them have been great, many of them weirdos and assholes. This morning I woke up to everyone screaming at eachother. I don't know what was going on but I just pretended to be asleep.

For the past few days there has been a festival at the chinese temple next door to some goddess of the sea. It's pretty cool, they light giant sticks of incense, dance around all crazy-like, set off fireworks in the middle of the damn night and start the drumming and loud noises early in the morning. Fuck I'm glad that's finished.

Let me tell you about this drink they have here called chelup, I mean cheldon, no no, it's chendol, yes that's it. In this "drink" is rice, some beans, some green jelly with worm-looking things, some black syrup or sorts, and coconut milk. You drink it with a thick straw, you know to get all the rice and bits. It took me about five minutes to figure out what it tasted like and if I liked it. Turns out I do but it is no doubt the most bizarre drink currently in drink circulation.

Could you clip the nails first?

So this morning I was served a bowl of chicken feet soup with breakfast. I thought it was just regular soup until my spoon discovered from its dark depths a chicken foot. I promise you that I did not ask for it (although I probably nodded my head yes when she said something incomprehensible). Well I figured this would be a good opportunity to try something different. Two sips later I thought I might vomit so needless to say, I did not finish it.

Try this unlabled monkey juice

Paradise is on Pulau Perhentian, Malaysia. Can you imagine anything more beautiful than standing on a crescent strip of pristine white sand, gazing at the shimmering reflection of the full moon, as the waves gently lap at your toes, and you're high as fuck? Well no, neither can I. That's why I wanted to get some weed in this damn place. I knew it was there. This one bar played only Bob Marley and Manu Chao, the tip jar had a marijuana leaf painted on, and the bartender was wearing sunglasses at night, and was clearly stoned. Yet he refused to sell. Throw expensive beer on top of that and things start to get dissapointing. We did find a bottle of "monkey juice" for relatively cheap. The guy selling it said that it was whiskey, but tasted like rum and vanilla. We bought it. I suspect he probably just sold us vanilla rum.

I went snorkelling one day which was a blast because I saw sharks and turtles. If you don't know how awesome sea turtles are, then you must be living in a turtle-less cave. They are just so majestic, swimming around, eating sand, breathing every once in a while. Yes!

Hot in the city

Let me tell you a little about Malaysia. As far as I can tell there are two types of weather here. There is rain, and there is too fuckin hot. It boggles me really. I walk outside with a t-shirt and shorts and within 20 minutes have completely sweat through my shirt and underwear. Yet, the locals walk around completely covered from head to toe, dry as a nuns vagina. How do they do that? Am I gonna be one of those guys who is always sweating through his shirt? Man, that would be embarrassing.

I'm goin to the beach tomorrow and I'm pretty damn happy about it. Although I will have to swim in my shorts because I lost my bathing suit ages ago and refuse to buy a new one.

Where's the proof, pfft

From KL I went to Melaka. it was pretty sweet there. Beautiful town with lots of boring museums and one interesting one. That's right, kite museum! It had all the history of kites and lots of kites on display. It bolstered me even more to open up my smokehouse and kite shop, cause kites are sweet.

I met these two canadian sisters there. We had good fun, drank some coconut wine, played some jacks. Then I found out that the one of them had this Aussie boyfriend who was coming to join them. Fair enough. Then I hear he doesn't believe in evolution cause "Where's the proof?" Honestly? I mean maybe you should take a high school biology class buddy, you fuckin twat. I met the guy and instantly knew that I didn't like him, especially his socks pulled up way too high.

I was then in Kuantan for a period of not long. Mainly because there is nothing to do there, no other westerners to be found, and there was no cheap accomodation. Whatever, you would think, maybe I'll pamper myself for a night. No. Instead I paid more than usual to stay in a place that was the dirtiest place I'd ever stayed, smelled like shit, and had rats. I didn't even brush my teeth that night because I was worried I might get bit by one of the buggers. So I left this morning.

Now I'm in Cherating. I rode the bus all over, back and forth to find this damn place. It's pretty deserted but at least there is a nice beach and I got some new books.