Smile in Saigon

I'm in Vietnam now. Saigon is one crazy place. Mostly because of the traffic which is complete madness. There are so many motorbikes everywhere. They drive everywhere, in all directions, even the sidewalk is not straight. There are some intersections where there are no lights, no signs, nothing. Everyone just drives through, beeping their horn to avoid colliding. Crossing the street here is very different than at home. At home you wait for the cars to pass and then you cross. Here, you slowly walk out into traffic and the moto's flow around you like a river flows around a rock. Don't walk in front of buses. That said, I'm enjoying it here, although this city is not particularly special.

Also, I forgot to share this earlier. I recently decided that one day in the future I will move to Cambodia and open "Maxwell's no problem smokehouse, fuck palace, and kite shop". I'm pretty convinced that it will be very successful and that I will be impossibly happy.

It smells like bigfoot's dick

I reluctantly left Sihanoukville yesterday. It was a good time. I remember playing lots of chess, swimming, and watching movies. The rest is a marijuana induced dream with hazy details. So I took a minibus to Kampot where I am now. I felt pretty bad for the other people on the bus cause I smelled like shit. Well, not like shit, but like very bad body odor. It's not my fault really. The room I was sleeping in was hot as the sun's asshole and there were no fans or ventilation or nothin. So I woke up wet with sweat and stinkiness and got on the bus. Somebody even said "someone on here has BO" I didn't tell him it was me (he probably knew).

I'm gonna leave Kampot tomorrow because there isnt anything to do here. I'm gonna go back to Phnom Penh just for a couple days and hang with chilli. Did I tell you about him? If I didn't then let me explain that he is a little Cambodian weed monster. If he's not smoking a joint, he's rolling one. That said, he 's a charming and fun guy to hang out with. 2 days later I go to Vietnam, yes!

Can I smoke weed in your picturehouse?

Well, just so you know, I've been living the dream. Spending all day on the beach doin fuck all except sweating, which happens frequently. Yesterday some buddies and I went to to the road to watch a movie because it was raining (only the second day I've seen rain on this trip). We found a bar that had a tv room with movies. After reviewing all options we chose "I'm gonna git you, suckah". If you have not seen this movie than drop what you're doing and go buy it. I laughed my ass off. It is also reccomended to sufficient amounts of beer and marijuana (legality questionable...hah! theres no law in cambodia).

A few nights ago my english friend Peter and I walked along the beach to the various bars. We stumbled along this english girl, who was maybe the most beautiful girl I've seen (in a long time at least), and her fat friend. Well Peter and I were both competing for same girl. I knew this but I don't know if he did. Anyway, this probably reduced our chances (I didn't plan on takin a bullet for him) but it didn't matter because we went to the bar and when we got back she was makin out with somebody. Well this didn't bother me none cause it's the story of my life, but Pete seemed really upset. Anyway, I just saw her walk by the window, still sexy.

On the topic of looking out the window, I just now also saw my friend pete. I wonder if he's chasing the girl. Before him I saw an old man wearing an umbrella hat.

Beggar beach

I'm in Sihanoukville right now and enjoying its pleasant beach. I took a bus here and it was the most comfortable one I've had. Too bad I had to be punished with a terrible hangover. In addition, I didn't knock boots with the pretty Swedish girl who everyone seems to think I could have the night before in phnom penh.

Anyway, right now I'm staying in the attic of a bar that's right on the beach. The best part is that its free. The worst part is that I have to descend thin, rickety stairs to get down and that the shower is a bucket (the help-yourself-to-a-scoop-of-water shower) and that mosquitoes are eating me alive, lets hope none of them are malarial. It's a beautiful beach but its not very clean, I already cut my foot today. there are also beggars everywhere. I was an under an umbrella almost all day and got burnt to a damn crisp. Fuck, that sun is very close to Cambodia.

Last night I was partying with some Swedes. They wanted ecstasy and lucky for them every tuk-tuk driver in the country sells drugs. Well I abstained because I was skeptical of this questionable gentleman. Well it turns out he gave them meth instead. oh, silly drug dealers.

Tom Sellick's moustache

Phnom Penh. What a place. Perhaps my favorite in all the land. No need to go into boring details about traffic, or amputees, or the begging children (I just play dice games with them, they love it).

A few nights ago I went to this bar that had advertised a poker tournament. It was fun until it started and I noticed that there were several assholes playing. I didn't play well. I attribute this to asshole shenanigans.

I had to leave and go to a different internet cafe just now because the manager of the other place was leaning over, completely non-chalantly, and was reading everything I typed. Needless to say it was pretty uncomfortable. Also, as I walked in she offered me sex. After some serious thought, I realized she was offering me a fruit shake. All good, no thanks on both.

I went to a team trivia last night which I was very excited for. However, they were doing it all wrong. Only 4 rounds with no bonus, or waging round? Oh my buddha, no no. I dared not use the name taco neck in a faraway land so I stole Tom Sellick's moustache. I think our poor performace was do to wrong name choice.

Hulk Hogan aint got shit on...

I spent a few days in Battambang not doing anything. I justified this by telling myself that I have so much time, not all which can be spent doing things. On my last day I broke down and took and overpriced moto-tour to some sights around the city. They were mildly interesting and of course I had to give money away left and right. The best part of it was the bamboo train. Now first, I want you to imagine what you think a bamboo train is like. go...

Ok Now I will tell you what it is. Basically, you rock up to the train tracks and tell the guy you wanna ride the bamboo train. Then he builds it. It is comprised of 4 main parts. There are the two sets of wheels, the bamboo platform (placed on top of the wheels) and a motor, which is controlled by the conductor at the back. Then this shit flies down the track. The dude was pulling my arm to stand up so I did. This was fun for a few moments until the train hit one of many bad sections of track and I nearly fell off and died. After this I sat down, the thing was so shaky I almost lost my flip flops several times (as in like lost them off of my feet, yea, that shaky). Also, you don't want to encounter another train coming from the other direction. In this event, the train with less weight must disassemble so the other train may pass. Luckily we had a motorbike on ours and did not have to do this.

I was by myself in Battambang and was fairly bored, especially at night. I would have liked to go to a bar or something but the one supposedly good one was way across town and there were no street lights. So instead I stayed in my room, smoked weed from a bone pipe, and watched black and white Japanese pro wrestling. If you've never seen this then, wow, lemme tell you, its amazing. Maybe it's just because I haven't watched wrestling since I was a little kid, maybe it's cause I was stoned off some fine Cambodian marijuana, but this cracked me up. It's all the crazy staged antics you would expect from normal pro wrestling multiplied ten fold. They mostly just slap each other in the chest.

Pretzels, get ya hot fuckin pretzels

I just had a memory I wanted to share. On my way to the 4000 islands in Laos, I had gotten a ride on the back of a guys truck. As is usual in Laos, it stopped many times so that people could sell their foods to you. A local woman who was riding with me expressed interest in a grilled corn cob. She took it but before she gave the vendor money, the truck drove away. We had a great laugh. Perhaps she felt guilty for stealing it because she didn't eat but offered to me instead. I saw no reason for it going to waste.

Anyway, I've just explored the temples of Angkor for 2 days and they are damn cool. The only uncool thing about it all are the hordes of people and children trying to sell you things. Imagine you are at a baseball game. You know the vendors selling peanuts and such? Well imagine there's ten of them for every one of you. Next imagine they are all screaming at you "sir, you buy cold drink!" or "you buy book!" Well, I already have one. "But you buy from me!" Now imagine that they don't leave you alone until they lower the price to next to nothing or you buy it.

One clever little girl went to give me a bracelet and said it was free. Well dammit, I still don't want it. Then she said that if I dont take it, I don't like Cambodians. I'll tell you that little girl worked me. I took the damn bracelet and then I bought a cold soda. On the whole day, I probably spent about 40 dollars, spending 1 or 2 dollars at a time. Now I have tons of useless crap that I will probably just leave in my hotel room.

Speaking of which, the hotel room I have now is the nicest I've had yet. Sweet queen size bed with a good mattress, cable tv, and all the cold showers I can take. At $3.50 a night, shit damn, that's what I'm talkin about.